I See You, Do You See Me?

(Welcome to the first post in the “I Am Seen” blog series. This series is intended to point you to the hope of El Roi, the God who sees, through different women’s stories and perspectives. I’m so excited to introduce you to my friend and fellow author, Meredith Boggs. You will be blessed by her words!)

“God, do you even see me?” was the last thought that ran through my head as I collapsed into bed that night, exhausted from another day of mom-ing, working, and dealing with the current life headaches. We had high hopes for 2024, goals, and plans we were working towards, but instead of progress and checked-off boxes, we were met with unexpected circumstances unraveling plans.

We started the year with a layoff out of left field for my husband. While we were still reeling from that and trying to figure out “what’s next” we were blindsided (literally) one evening on the drive home from our anniversary dinner by an impaired driver who hit us and then proceeded to flee the scene—our car was totaled but we walked away without a scratch, praise God!

But probably the most unexpected plan that was now going to be part of 2024 was a new baby—I was 10 months postpartum and shocked that 2 pink lines were the cause of my intense fatigue, not just par for the course of being a boy mom! We were surprised but ecstatic—children truly are a gift from God. That truth was not lost on us even though it was an unexpected gift.

“Yes, I see you” were the words I felt deep in my soul as my head hit the pillow. As those words rushed over me, it was quickly countered with what felt like a question straight to the gut “But do you see Me?”

We weren’t destitute—we had some money in savings to float us.

A totaled car was a massive headache—but we had good insurance and everything would get worked out.

This wasn’t a crisis pregnancy—I was thirty-four, we’d been married for eleven years, we owned a home, and we had one stable job between the two of us at that moment.

The realization I had as my head hit the pillow that night wasn’t anything new or groundbreaking—I knew that God sees me, I’ve known and believed that since I was a little girl. But something shifted in my heart that night. I knew him as El Roi, the God who sees, but I began to see Him.

If you’re familiar with the Old Testament account of Abraham and Sarah, you’ve probably heard about Hagar—Sarah’s Egyptian servant. God had promised Abraham and Sarah descendants that would outnumber the stars, but being that Sarah was barren and growing older every day, she took matters into her own hands, offering Hagar to her husband that he might conceive through her. When Hagar did become pregnant by Abraham, Sarah looked at her with contempt and mistreated her, to the point that Hagar fled to the desert—pregnant, alone, and desolate.

But alone there in the desert, God saw Hagar. He saw her pain and heard her cries. After an angel was sent to encourage her, Genesis 16:13 tells us that “Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the LORD, who had spoken to her. She said, ‘You are the God who sees me.’ She also said, ‘Have I truly seen the One who sees me?’” (NLT)

Just like Hagar, I knew El Roi—the God who sees me—but had I truly seen Him?

In the days and weeks that ensued, everything didn’t “work out perfectly” or fall into place rapidly. The job hunt for my husband took much longer than we both wished. I clocked extra hours at work while he carried the weight on the homefront. We were weary and worn thin but we saw God.

He was working even when it felt like nothing was happening. He was working in the tiny details as well as the big picture of our lives, in our specific circumstances, and meeting our precise needs. He saw us—and we were seeing Him.

I saw Him as a providential provider. My husband started a new job that included amazing health insurance and maternity coverage just in time for the baby to arrive.

I saw him as a gentle shepherd. He was so kind and patient when I struggled to follow, wanting like Sarah, to take matters into my own hands because his timing felt too slow.

I saw him as a gracious redeemer. If these simultaneous circumstances had befallen us a few years prior, our marriage likely wouldn’t have survived. But God had been doing a new work in our hearts and marriage, bringing dead things to life, restoring what was lost, healing what was broken, and unifying us.

El Roi saw Hagar, He sees you, and he sees me. But do we see Him? He functions outside all human limitations, the constraints of time, and impossibilities of life on this side of Heaven. But He is always with us. He is always working. Do we see Him?