“Did God only want our family to have boys?”
My autistic 13-year-old has been fixated on this fact, asking his question on repeat lately. It’s made his younger two brothers ask the same thing as well. What they don’t know is we lost a baby to miscarriage, who very well could be the sister they are missing. Baby’s due date falls on a date no one can forget - September 11th.
They also don’t know how much I’ve longed for a daughter. As the oldest of four sisters, I was sure I would have a little girl to love and disciple. I kept my baby blanket and a few baby clothes. I saved some pretty dresses and imagined possible names. I worked in women’s ministry, poured into sisters in Christ, and went to grad school for (women’s) discipleship, believing I would be able to share what I’ve learned with my daughter one day. Now my mind wonders if I will meet her in eternity and we’ll talk about Jesus together as we bask in the light of His glory.
Our baby was only 6 weeks along when we lost them, but we had been trying for months to get pregnant. We wanted to grow our family after our oldest was born and when we found out we were expecting, we immediately told our family with joy. A few days later I started to bleed.
He or she would have been ten this year. It’s the ten-year anniversary of the child we will never hold in our arms while on earth. This time of year brings about a conscious (and sometimes subconscious) ache in my heart. My spirit longs for heaven a little bit more.
Yet, in the midst of loss and its lingering memory, the Lord has poured out His compassion and care in personal ways. I recently asked God where He was when I crumbled myself up on the bathroom floor ten years ago, crying confused and crushed tears. I felt alone even though many were praying for our family and offering kind support. But God gave me a picture of Christ embracing me in my anguish as He wept and His tears intermingled with mine.
The words from the prophet Isaiah echo in my mind as I picture Jesus next to me in my darkest moments:
“He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.” (Isaiah 40:11 NLT)
Many times we blame God for the heartaches we face in life. We buy into the enemy’s lies and believe our Good Shepherd is the one who leads us toward despair, destruction, and death. In reality, anything outside of love and goodness is the devil’s game. God’s heart breaks with His children when they experience pain. He leads us toward healing and hope with tender grace and care. He feeds our aching souls with promises that will never fade. He carries us close to His heart and in His faithfulness does not let go.
God is not the source of our suffering. He is the Savior who sees us through.
Because we do not live in Paradise yet, loss and longing will continue to exist until Christ comes back or He calls us home. But the Lord understands our heartache and ministers to the deepest parts of our wounds.
In the beginning of Isaiah 40 God calls out to His children and says, “Comfort, comfort my people.” (Isaiah 40:1 NLT) Immediately the Lord lays the groundwork of compassion as the basis for what He continues to say afterwards. Later on in the same passage after God highlights the glory of His greatness, He assures His children saying, “how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? (Isaiah 40:27 NLT). The Creator who made all things also cares about the experiences of those He created.
At the end of the chapter, this same Creator declares He will give “power to the weak and strength to powerless” (Isaiah 40:29 NLT) when we surrender our hearts over to Him as our Redeemer. It’s true that “those who trust in the Lord will find new strength” (Isaiah 40:31 NLT), but the strength we now possess is not founded on any kind of inner power we can muster up on our own. Instead, our strength is eternal and proven to last through the sorrows of this world because it is empowered by the Spirit and cannot be stripped away. We are strengthened in ways we never would experience if we didn’t meet God in the depths of our pain. God catches our tears, but also, He will not waste them.
We may never understand why loss happens, but we can choose to focus on Who stands beside us and what He promises to provide whenever we are hurting.
Our God isn’t averse to loss. He doesn’t sit on a throne far removed from the cries of His people. No, our Savior steps in and lovingly holds us against Himself until our hearts beat as one.
He is the God who sees, who suffers, and ultimately, who saves.
About the Author
Becky Beresford lives in North Carolina and is happily outnumbered by her husband and three wonderful boys. She is an author, speaker and coach with a Master's Certificate in Spiritual Formation and Discipleship from Moody Theological Seminary. Becky loves encouraging God’s Daughters to embrace Christ-centered empowerment through the truth found in the gospel. Her work has been featured in large online communities including DaySpring, and she recently became a writer for Proverbs 31 Ministries’ First 5 App writing team. Becky’s book with Moody Publishers, She Believed HE Could, So She Did, released in March. Connect with Becky at BeckyBeresford.com and sign up to receive the FREE Brave Woman Manifesto HERE. You can also connect with Becky on Instagram and Facebook.
Grab Becky’s amazing book here: She Believed HE Should, So She Did on Amazon!
