Do you see that person far away on the stage? If you squint you can find her. That’s me. Can I share what a testimony this picture is? You may have heard this from me before, but a testimony, by it’s very definition, is something to be recounted.
I shouldn’t be in this picture. I never thought I could be there. In fact, days before this picture, I sat on my couch, grumpy and paralyzed with fear and nervousness. I questioned why I ever agreed to speak publicly. I wondered if I’d be able to speak after Covid caused nearly a year to pass since the last event.
At 10 or 15 or 18 or 21, I wouldn’t have believed that was me, not in front of all those people. I’m shy. I’m very self-conscious. I’ve been hurt so many times by what others think of me, what they’ve whispered behind my back. I’m not strong, confident, sure, well-spoken, or poised. I’m more the awkward wallflower type.
But God saw something I never saw in myself, some part of me that he created that I was too scared to open up. I’m not sure I’ve shared this part of my testimony before, but the more years that pass, the more I realize it is one of the most pivotal moments in my walk with Christ. It was the moment God called me.
What was that, God?
One morning three and half years ago on a ministry trip with my husband, as I prayed and read my Bible, I felt the presence of God like I only have a few times before. With tears I realized he was asking me for something, but I wasn’t sure why. In fact, for a long time after that moment I wondered, What was that, God?
Here’s what I’ve come to understand: He was calling me to be willing. That’s it. Would I have willingness for his will?
It sounds simple, but it wasn’t simple for me. I had so many rules for who I was, what I would and would not do, and how I would interact with others – rules I designed to keep myself safe from getting hurt. These kept me locked in a place of fear and timidity I didn’t even know kept me captive. That morning, as I sat in the inexplicable presence of God, I simply said, yes. Whatever it is, I’m willing.
That week I spoke my first ever “message” at a small country church that my husband was singing at. It was a crude, undeveloped, simple version of the same Haggai 1 message I shared to over 100 women a week ago. I was nervous, definitely not polished, completely unsure. That night, my message didn’t have a title, an outline, or a good wrap up. I simply did what I knew God was asking me to do. And to my very great surprise he used me…and I actually liked it. I actually kind of loved it.
God has changed my life in the last three and half years, but not in obvious ways. He’s changed my heart, my mind, my perspective. He’s opened up that hidden place in me that I never thought existed. He has shown me that he doesn’t use me in spite of my shy, awkward, self-conscious personality, but because of it. He is such a kind God.
He’s showing me his heart for the introvert, the overlooked, the quiet, and the left behind. He’s showing me how powerful the meek can be. And I’m continuously in awe that what the world overlooks, what we overlook in ourselves, God sees and treasures more than we know.
God can use you because of your unique personality. God can put you in places where you never, ever, believed you could possibly be. It may not be a stage, but wherever it is, you’ll know only God could do it. Knowing our great weakness and his great grace is a precious reminder of why we seek to walk in meekness.
A Simple Calling
It reminds me of the simple way Jesus called his disciples. None of these men were qualified. None of them really understood what they were getting into – even up until the last moments of Jesus’ life. None of them could imagine what Jesus was going to do through them. Jesus didn’t ask them to come to the table with anything extraordinary. All they had was a simple willingness.
I love how Matthew recounts Jesus calling him to join with him in ministry in Matthew 9:9. It’s so beautifully simple:
“As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, “Follow me.” And he rose and followed him.”
And he rose and followed him, and Matthew’s life was never the same again. That’s it. Just willingness.
I shouldn’t be the girl on stage in that picture, but I’m so very thankful I am. And I’ll be the first to tell you over and over again, that being used by God is my most favorite place to be. But I can’t take any credit. I pray I never do. It’s only Christ in me. All I’ve ever done is said, Lord, I’m willing. I still have no idea what God’s plan for my life looks like, but I whatever it is, I’m willing.
Have you ever had a moment like that with God? Sometimes what he’s asking us to do isn’t perfectly clear. In fact, we rarely ever see the whole picture. But a little willingness in the hands of God can go farther than we can imagine.