Hello friend, don’t let the picture fool you, this isn’t a post about toys or clutter, kids or parenting, this is a post about you. I wanted to take a moment to talk to you. You, there, in the back. Yes, you, hiding in the shadows. You're the one who feels unseen, used, and unusable. You get up every day and give your best to your children, your husband, your friendships, your home, your job. It isn't perfect, but it's what you've got to offer. You smile when you feel like crying. You change another diaper when you feel like running out the door, and down the road, and out of town...You text your friends with smiling emojis to lighten the mood, but you wish you could say what you're really worried about. You make dinner one more time, you clean up the dishes, you sweep the floors, you scoop the coffee and set the timer for the morning. You'll do it again tomorrow. And you feel like no one notices…

It’s an amazing when we experience scripture in a tangible, observable way. Like a modern-day parable, seeing someone live out scripture makes God’s Word come alive. I saw scripture come to life in a 5-year-old girl. I only met her once, only caught her first name.

She was petite and adorable. Her eyebrows were slathered in sparkly pink makeup, the kind a child applies to look like their favorite princess or fairy or mermaid. She wore a pink cotton dress and had shy, kind eyes…

“You could never understand what I’m going through. You could never understand how I feel.”

Have you ever heard this statement from a friend as you tried to reach out to them in their pain? Have you ever told this to someone after their well-meant, but poorly-executed attempt to comfort you?

I have.

I have said those words with bitterness like poison dripping from every syllable. If I didn’t say it out loud, I screamed it in my mind. You could NEVER understand…

I wanted to share my testimony here on the blog, but I’ve hesitated. Look, I’ll warn you up front, my testimony won’t be going in any sermon illustrations. I’ve never had an amazing story to share when others ask how I became a Christian, and I always secretly wished it could be cooler. In reality, my testimony is about as simple as it gets: I got saved when I was five years old. I prayed with my mom and dad with my hands folded on my pink floral bedspread. I acknowledged in my young mind that God was really big, really important, and really powerful and I wanted to know Him. I don’t know what life was like before I was a Christian, I can’t remember. Of course, since then, I continue to walk a dynamic journey with Christ dotted with sufferings, joy, and a lot of grace. But, by all accounts, my moment of salvation is pretty boring…

So whose plans have changed lately? Oh, right…all of us! It’s funny that this national pandemic that forced us to separate has also brought us together in unusual ways. One point of unity we all share now is the disappointment of failed plans. Some of them have been huge—lives altered forever from losing a loved one. Some have been the postponement or change of iconic life events—weddings, funerals, the birth of a child. Some have been school ceremonies, senior graduation, the play or recital your child has been working on all year. Some, like my family, have had ministry dates cancelled or postponed. Whatever it is, I feel confident all of us can say we are disappointed by a plan in our life that has been postponed/cancelled/changed.

I have never been good at being flexible with sudden changes. I like making plans. I also like sticking to them! So when things change I usually react with a bad attitude and some self-pity. So you can imagine how this season of life is going!

Ever wonder why Christians can suffer and yet still believe God loves them? Or why someone on his or her deathbed can beam with the light of Christ? Or why a person walking a road of affliction and injustice can still offer praise to the very God who could take away their pain? 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 has the answer…

It’s an honest question I’ve asked myself. It’s a question that can be surprisingly difficult to answer.

Salvation can seem like an illusive concept. Especially during times of suffering when it seems like everything is falling apart, every story is bad news, every moment is a battle. Times like right now.

Personally I asked myself this question in the midst of a season of infertility. All the joy felt like it was stripped from my life as I wrestled with the strange balance of faith in God and grief from unanswered prayers. I wanted to have a baby and that longing was so real and intense that it truly felt impossible to envision a life of fulfillment without one.

But I knew the Gospel, that Jesus died for my sins, that He rose again to defeat death and welcome me into an inheritance and fellowship with Him. That Good News should have been enough to make me get out of the bed, dust off the bitterness and sorrow, and put a smile on my face. Except it wasn’t…

We are living in a time of unprecedented fear.

I don’t think I’m the first person to write that statement. Not the first in the last week. Not the first in the last decade. Not the first in the last century.

I feel like I am living in a world that I no longer know how to navigate. Getting groceries requires a planned strategy. I haven’t spent time with a friend in real life other than my husband and children in the last 7 days. The future is unknown and unsettling. Every morning as reality floods in, I have to ask the Holy Spirit for a deep well of grace to get me through the day. To smile at my 6, 4, and 1 year old as if nothing is wrong. To continue teaching them their Kindergarten and preschool work when I would rather lay on the couch. To react to the messes and questions, the disobedience and boredom in love rather than anxiety and frustration.

Unprecedented is defined as “never known before.” While global pandemic is certainly not a circumstance I thought I’d live through, I take some comfort in knowing I’m not the first one. We aren’t the first ones. This is a fear that has been known before. We will get through this.

I am familiar with fear.

I definitely didn’t need a real pandemic to activate my fear. It’s always been around…